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Favorites!!! Part 3
IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!
No not really. If yesterday’s post invoked any guilt, that was not my intention. Sometimes favoritism is not favoritism, even if it’s perceived as so by the child. Not that the child’s perception should be discounted. Quite the opposite, it should be respected. It’s also necessary to sift through the reasons you may have stronger relationships with one child over another. And when you understand the foundation of your relationships with each child individually, you can then begin to either teach them the truth about favoritism or you can change your relationships with each of them based on your understanding.
As you unravel the complexities of your child/adult relationships, you will see that it’s not about being fair, or so that it “seems” you are fair to all the kids. I’m not a proponent of bending over backward to make every child feel as if they are being treated fair. Harshly, life is not fair.
What I do advocate is that my relationship with each child is individual based on the uniqueness of my personality meshed with their personality. Whether it’s with my own child or the children I minister to, I attempt to not just check off the list of spending exactly 14.6 minutes per child, but to build a true relationship based on intentional love.
There are several things to take into consideration when looking at why you interact the way you do with kids:
Personality. There are some kids who have personalities that I’m genuinely attracted to. I’m a writer, a talker, creative and thoughtful. I tend to spend more time with kids who share my personality because I think I might have something to teach or share with them. It’s also less threatening to me.
Interests. Like personality, we will gravitate toward those children, or teenagers, who have similar interests. Shopping, sports, books, music. Whatever makes easy conversation, makes simpler relationships.
Childhood. Sometimes we come across a kid that reminds us of ourselves at that age. We have an overt amount of connection with that child, wanting to reach them maybe in someway you were never reached. We will find ourselves maybe complimenting them more, or affirming their actions publicly.
Gender. There are times we might feel more comfortable with a gender. It may be easier to connect with boys than girls, or vice versa. Although I tend to connect with teenage girls, I find it easier to approach adolescent boys and build relationships with them. Appropriately, I have to be intentional about not unintentionally rejecting a child because it’s harder to connect with them.
These are a few suggestions to get you thinking about why you connect with some children easier than others. It will allow you to move past favoritism, and see the blessing in reaching out to every child, regardless of who we see them as. God sees each of them as perfect, and as we challenge ourselves, we can become more like Christ in how we are raising, caring for, ministering and loving kids!
Question: How do you relate to each of the examples? How do you plan on changing your behavior, so that you can affect the lives and hearts of more kids?
Comment, would love to hear from you!
Favorites!! Part 2
WHY BEING A FAVORITE…OR NOT…..HURTS
A child on the outside seems to think that being the favorite is the best spot on the family org chart! Whether you are the favorite, or ummm not, each role holds it’s own hurts and disappointments. Regardless of what you as an adult think is truth, a child has his or her own eyes they see through. Your job is to take off your grown up goggles, get down on your knees and look at favoritism through the spectacles of a child’s heart.
THE FAVORITE
The favorite is the child identified by other kids or siblings as the one who gets the most time, affection and attention from a particular grow up (parent, teacher, ministry leader). The perceived favorite is normally the child who is:
Type A, perfectionist, legalist, over-achiever, and/or peacemaker.
or
Rambunctious, outgoing, affectionate, and/or slightly rebellious (mostly the last born child or the “baby”)
The Favorite will struggle with the pressure to please and keep their spot. Sometimes they will manipulate situations to get the attention drawn to them. Ever noticed how when one child “messes up” or gets in trouble, the other kids become miraculously perfect. The favorite can struggle with feelings of superiority to their siblings, which can lead to feelings of higher expectations and standards.
Overall, The Favorite is usually under high amounts of stress and self-expectations for achievement, seeking praise and approval from the parent or teacher who favors him.
THE UNFAVORITE
I know, un-favorite isn’t exactly politically correct, but this is how a child will deduce it in their mind: If SHE is the favorite, that makes ME the unfavorite.
The unfavorite tends to be more introverted and quiet. If they don’t feel heard during a conversation, they will passively shrug it off. They may be the child who takes a little more time to gain order to their lives.
The unfavorite might struggle with their self-worth wondering why they don’t get as much attention or affection. They may want a particular parent to know more about them, or spend more time with them but don’t really know how to express themselves.
They may feel inferior to the other kids or siblings, making them wonder why they are different, or not accepted or loved as much.
GOD’S FAVORITE
Whether you were perceived as the favorite, or your sibling was, the most important thing for every child of God to know is that everyone is His favorite, and Nobody is His favorite. He is not prejudice but just. His love and mercy flows freely into the loves of every one of his children.
As you reflect on your own relationship with your parents or that favorite teacher you just wanted some attention from, ask yourself if that has jaded how you treat and love children. Also think of the depths of God’s love for you. Do you let that love flow in you, out of you and into the lives of the kids around you–making them all know how precious and perfect they are in the eyes of a Father God who loves them?
Question: Growing up, were you the favorite or the unfavorite? How has that affected you? Comment and let me know!
Favorites! Part 1
I have two brothers, one older, one younger. I love them both tremendously. It’s a family joke with my mom. She will come up to each of us and whisper, “you’re my favorite, don’t tell the others.” We all think it’s funny, because we alllll know who the favorite really is…
The problem of favoritism starts at the beginning of the Bible with Cain and Abel. Cain was angry at the thought that Abel was God’s favorite. This perception led to murder.
Then there is the story of Jacob and Esau, twins who came out of the womb fighting. The favoritism they experienced was not perceived, it was openly communicated between the parents. Dad favored Esau, Mom favored Jacob. This reality led to a stolen birthright, a runaway child and a generational curse. Jacob had Isaac, Isaac had Joseph.
The story of Joseph in the book of Genesis is a tale of open favoritism in a family of 12 boys! Talk about battle of the egos. Jacob loved Joseph the most, giving him special gifts and treatment. All the brothers knew this and became resentful of him. And when God gave Joseph a dream for his life, his purpose, his calling, it only intensified his brothers’ jealousy. The favoritism of Joseph’s father led to a group of siblings plotting murder, lying and selling their brother into slavery.
Favoritism is disastrous, perceived or real. The problem lies in this: almost all kids perceive their parent(s) have favorites. And not only do they perceive a favorite, they are confident in their perception making it almost impossible to convince them otherwise.
Understanding how a child arrives at his/her ideas is important. As kids are looking for security in their worlds, they observe their surroundings and how a parent interacts with each child in the family. (Or as a teacher/educator/caregiver/minister a child watches how you interact with other children.) Some of these interactions include, jokes, affection, respect, understanding, compassion, honesty, and response to needs.
The child measure your response to other siblings or kids in comparison to himself. In this, he will decide who is favorite. Children will even be able to tell you if they themselves are the favorite. In my experience, almost always the siblings can all agree on who is the favorite.
No matter how you think you are treating your children, it is their perception that matters. In their world, someone is the favorite. This can be harmful to both the child who is the favorite, and the child who knows they aren’t. More on that next time.
Question: Who would your kids agree is the favorite? Based on what perception? Comment and let me know your thoughts and experiences with favoritism.
Let Me Be
I laid on the bed frustrated and in tears the other night. I whined to a very attentive husband, “I don’t have any place in the entire house that is mine!” Like most moms, our space is completely infiltrated with dirty hands, tech decks, ipods, needs, wants and fights.
I work out of my home and the couch has become my office. The desktop computer is in my room, and sometimes I just don’t want to look at the piles of laundry, the messy bed, or the snoring husband. Besides, it’s just another place my kids have taken over and broken the stapler, and changed my PC background to SpongeBob. So in so many words, and with so many tears and I cried out, “HELP! THEY ARE TAKING OVER? WHY CAN’T THEY JUST LET ME BE?!!! AHHHHHHHHH!” Or something like that.
My kids use this phrase as well. Yes the “AHHHHHH”, but also “Let Me Be.” Let Me Be is code for: You are aggravating me, You are getting to close, I’m feeling criticized, Please Stop, G0 Away, and I need my space.
Every person needs their space, kids included. Sometimes being alone for a child is okay. I see parents and teachers with faces scrunched with serious concern if their kids want time alone. A reasonable amount of time alone is healthy for anyone. Kids especially need to feel like they have dominance over their personal space. They need to feel ownership of an area, even if it’s just their bed.
Let Me Be is a respectful way to ask for space. Teach this to your kids when you hear them say, “Go Away, Shut Up, Get Out my Face, Shut my Door.” Teach your kids to say this when they don’t want to sit next to you or climb on your lap. Or when they are struggling with anger and need to figure out how to work through it. The phrase Let Me Be is non confrontational yet gives a clear and concise message to those around them.
I’ve told my kids Let Me Be. The kids are grounded from my room and I’m working on building an office. For now I will continue writing while on my couch. In the meantime, here’s a question for you: If you are a teacher, a minister, a parent, or just a lover of kids, do you respect their space?? Do you know the unspoken and spoken words of “Let Me Be”?
Navigating Teenage Attitudes
OMGosh. If anyone knows about attitude right now, it’s me. I’m raising a 13 almost 14 year old. She’s desperate for her independence. She’s learning to discover herself and it’s breaking my heart.
I’m so blessed to be close to my daughter, and as I laid on the couch in depression about her “growing up” I realized, she’s not gone yet. And I also realized that my responsibilities as a mother have shifted. I am now responsible for teaching her how to be in relationship while having independence.
It seems that when teens starting seeking how to be adults, some parents write it off as “angry teenagers” and don’t even want to be around them. I find that most teenagers who are struggling through their teen years lack authentic, trusting parental relationships where a child can have some space yet is still being taught.
It is my job as a mother of a teenager to instruct her on how to not be all or nothin’. Most teenagers will have this mentality initially. They think they can’t have their life and a life with their family. So they roll their eyes at family events, sigh and pout when you ask too many questions. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Whether you are a parent or youth leader or mentor, here are some things that might help:
Don’t belittle or make fun of their realities. From their perspective that song is the coolest, that boy is the cutest, that shirt is just AWESOME! Even if you don’t think so, respect their opinion.
Invite them to watch a movie or go into their room to watch their favorite tv show with them.
Watch their youtube videos.
Write on their Facebook Wall.
When they do tell you about their life, don’t be a friend, be a grown up. Think about the opportunity to teach, not preach. For example:
When my daughter was telling me about a friendship she has, she said to me, “I dunno what it looks like mom, I’m just goin’ with the flow.” I told her, “Yah I can see that, but just know that your relationships are defined by YOU. You decide when, who, how and to what extent you want that friendship to go. No one tells you, you make the rules!” That is empowering for a teenager to know that you trust them enough to create healthy boundaries. Then I dropped it. I could’ve gone on , pressing her to draw her boundaries right there in front of me, but I said my piece–I taught her and then gave her independence. Now my questions to her about this particular friendship is, “Has anything changed?!”
Draw boundaries. I had my child’s friend tell me once that she loved I made my kids have a bedtime. Her parents don’t care what time she goes to bed. Who woulda thunk?
As my daughter, and my two sons grow older, I know that my role will be constantly re-defined. I must be willing to look at my children’s attitudes to seek what is truly going on in their hearts. My daughter’s attitude is simply one of trying to find her way, I must help her navigate.
Who are you helping navigate through life? How has your role changed in the life of those you raise, teach or love?
Anger and Attitudes
This Friday I will be teaching 50 kids how to deal with anger issues and to have good attitudes! I’m so excited! Attitude issues are universal with kids, and aren’t prejudice to race, age or socio-economic status. All children go through a natural ebb and flow of testing boundaries and searching for independence.
I tend to find that children with severe attitude problems and anger issues are really dealing with tremendous hurt. Most kids who struggle with handling emotions and being respectful are carrying around a huge weight of bitterness and unforgiveness. To get to the heart of the behavior, we must:
Look at the child’s family situation.
Look at the child’s parental influences.
Look at the child’s recent losses.
Look at the child’s friendships.
Look at the child’s life management skills.
Look at what the child media influences.
It is important to look at all these things from the CHILD’S PERSPECTIVE. You may think you’ve had a “good divorce” but from the child’s perspective, she just lost her family. You may think your child has it all together but from his perspective he feels like he’s drowning at school.
The only way to change attitudes and help with anger is to build trusting relationships. Not YOU as the adult trusting the child, but the CHILD trusting you. Have you ever thought of it that way?? Comment and let me know.
Homecoming Archived from March 2010
When we moved to Florida from Texas almost two years ago, my two oldest kids were torn. The beach and sun were calling but they had to leave their dad behind. My daughter has embraced the sand and suntan lotion and loves living here. Cody, my 10 year old, on the other hand is in his own words, “homesick everyday.”
When we travel to Texas for a visit, I always prepare my heart for “homecoming”. It wasn’t any different when we lived in Texas and the kids spent time with their dad. Transitioning from one house to another made them an absolute emotional wreck, which made me an absolute emotional wreck.
I had to find a happy place. A place where I could prepare my own heart, and gain some control over myself. That was the only way I could be strong enough to bear their burden of living under the consquences of their parents’ choices. That’s what I did every other weekend for 10 years. And then we moved, but it didn’t stop.
This past week, Alyssa and Cody’s grandfather was in town on business. Their father’s dad was a regular part of their life on their weekend trips to the ranch. He picked them up and took them to dinner. Alyssa was giddy about seeing him! Cody loved his time with grandpa.
This time with grandpa triggered memories of dad, especially for Cody. His behavior immediately went out of control-disrespect, anger and nervous energy changed his behavior, what some would think, unexpectedly.
But I knew it was coming, and I knew I had to handle it. It reminded me how as parents and educators we forget that behavior is most likely NOT about behavior. Behavior in a child, an often in adults, is a direct response to their home environment, their circumstances, their growth, their age, the nutrition, their sleep habits, and the list goes on and on.
So know your child’s emotional struggles, and as you do, you will begin to see patterns in their behavior. And as you see these patterns you can be PRO-ACTIVE about handling it, versus waiting for them to get too out of control and then you have to discipline.
That’s what I did with Cody. I waited to see if he learned how to handle his behavior himself, and he proved incapable right now. So I sat him in a chair facing me, knee to knee and held his hands. I told him that I noticed how he’s been short with me, disrespectful and finding unhealthy joy in bullying his brother. I told him I noticed that this started after he spent time with Grandpa. And it seems to me that it would maybe make him miss his dad. He said, he never really thought of it that way. I asked him if he may be feeling a little homesick. He said, “I’m always feeling homesick.”
And now I know. I asked him to try harder and to be aware of his actions, He didn’t want to let go of my hands, but I grabbed him and hugged him. And since then, he’s back to his old self. He’s loving to Zac, talking with love and respect toward me and has found ways to do positive things with his energy. He just needed someone to understand. And so does your child! Pay attention to your children, and prepare for your own HOMECOMING,
Don’t Shush Them Archived from Dec 2009
One of the things Zac hates more than anything in the world is being Shhh-ushed. He talks a lot, he talks loud, and sometimes he talks slow! And he interrupts….and he’s FIVE! So it’s no surprise to hear him being Shhh-ushed by his older siblings at least two or three times a day. Sometimes he responds with a VERY loud, “I’m just trying to talk to you!” and sometimes he’s so fed up he cries and stomps upstairs while screaming, “I HATE IT WHEN EVERY-BUDY- SHHH-USHES ME!” To which I have to give the “He’s-Five-Years-Old-and-You-Were-Too-So-Be-Patient-and-Listen-To-Your-Brother-and-Stop-Shhhusing-Him” Lecture.
Last night I so wanted to Shhh-ush him myself. I just wanted to shower and go to bed when I hear him chattering in the bedroom…As I tiptoed toward the door I heard him praying…and he was praying for his daddy, who was recently deployed. He was holding back his weeping–not crying–weeping–and I could see his lip tucked under, about to hit the floor.
“Jesus. I miss my daddy.” Is all he said before noticing me, and then the wailing began.
I grabbed him, choked back my own tears, and pulled him close. His pain seeped out of his words…
“Mama, I feel like my heart is breaking out of my chest. It really hurts.”
He wept, I held him, and then I prayed for him, and asked him to finish his prayer to Jesus.
From Zacs Mouth to Gods Ears : “Jesus. Take away my darkness in my heart, I hurt so much cuz I miss my daddy really much. I’m so scared that he’s gonna die and I really want him alive. I want my daddy back. And my family back. I miss my daddy really much. He’s my friend. I love him and everybody. And I love you too Jesus. Amen. “
Everything in me wanted to lie to him about our circumstances, and change the subject. I wanted to talk about happy things, like Christmas…I even tried. I said, “Zac Christmas is coming, aren’t you excited to see your cousins…” To which he replied in tears, “No, cuz I don’t get to see my daddy.”
I tried singing songs with him…it was going well, he cried and sang Jesus Loves Me with me…Then I went on to sing “Be Careful What You See Little Eyes” which sent him into another episode of weeping. I asked what made him cry, he says, “When I talk to daddy I tell him to be careful out there! And he says You too, Pop!”
Then Jesus spoke to me. He said, “Stop Shhhh-ushing Him!” OUCH! I was shhhh-ushing my grieving child…
So I stopped. I just laid there, with my grieving five year old in my arms and let him weep.
Do you shhh-ush kids?? Do they make you feel uncomfortable? Do you want to fix them? Is their pain less real than yours?
Stop shhh-ushing kids. God desires to use their sorrows for his Joy. Get out of his way!
Summer Archived from July 2009
Kids are getting antsy—some are ready to go back to school. All of them, FULL OF ENERGY! How do you curb that energy? What do you do with it?
OUTSIDE TIME—and the evening is perfect for this–you’re off work, it’s cooler out….kids need to jump around. Who cares if you have sandwiches for dinner? Some of the BEST memories me and my two oldest had were when I was a single mom. I’d get off work, grab them from wherever they were. We would head home, pack sandwiches, chips and juice boxes. Throw on our suits and off to the pool we went. It became a ritual, and the kids always had so much fun! I got to sit and relax and watch them play–and they got to unleash their energy!!!
LEARNING TIME — turn off the TV! Your kids spent 6-8 hours a day reading and learning, and now they aren’t using their brain as much! Give them an assignment. Have them research an animal and plan a trip to the zoo! When you come across that animal, have them give a presentation on what they’ve learned! Make them help at the grocery store by adding up prices and guesstimating your grocery bill. This will teach them budgeting, while letting them use their math skills. It will also give them an appreciation for how much food costs—and hopefully they won’t be as wasteful. ( A girl can dream, right?)
QUIET TIME — even tho your kids are at daycare or even with you, it’s important that they rest. Give them at least a half hour to just sit and chill–in their room or a favorite chair in the house. No TV no Video Games no Music. Just chillax. My daughter could do a book…my son would read. But it’s quiet time, for everyone—-including MOMMY!
WATER– I did a survey of the kids in my Wed. night group. I asked them “When was the last time you had a drink of water?” 90% of them couldn’t remember!! Fill your kids with water ! It hydrates their bodies AND their brains. Lack of water can cause them to be moody, have headaches and stomach aches. It can also make them unhealthily exhausted.
Remember, this is the only summer you will have with your kids at the age they are! Make it memorable and safe while providing lots of love and encouragement for them to be the best kids that God created them to be!
